When I stop feeling angry, I just feel numb

By Homura

Q: Why would I want to be less angry? When I stop feeling angry, I just feel numb. I want to feel something, even if it’s negative.

Yeah, that’s a tough spot to be in. When you control your anger, it’s not like you’ll have a “flood of good feelings” come to you as a reward. You might feel numb or unfeeling, or feel like you are denying yourself emotional release.

However, you have options when you feel angry. Let’s consider a few, and their benefits and drawbacks.

“When I’m angry, I want to vent my frustrations.”

Many people vent to others when they’re angry——in Discord channels, on forums, to friends or family members, or on hotlines. If you’re in a difficult spot and you just want someone to listen, this is one option. However, venting may not work the way you expect it to.

If you find yourself venting a lot, and ultimately not feeling much better, then you might want to explore other methods. As explored in this article, venting does not reduce your “emotional arousal state” as much as other activities. So, you might vent, and still feel angry energy inside you afterwards.

Calming activities, on the other hand, better help reduce your emotional arousal. The article mentions slow-flow yoga, mindfulness exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, and progressive breathing exercises as possible options (Each link is a different video)

The article also cites studies that say running or lifting do not reduce your arousal. This is just my personal bias, but... going for a walk or a run has helped me clear my head many times in the past, especially when I do it at a set time each day. Solvitur ambulando.

“When I lash out at somebody, I get a reaction. Otherwise, I’m ignored.”

That is a big truth in our society. Often times, people will only notice that you’re angry or in pain if you make it known by lashing out. But, this isn’t the best way to get people’s attention so they can acknowledge your needs or your pain.

There are consequences to lashing out, right? You might get in trouble, or you get negative attention, which is still attention. If the pain you feel from not being acknowledged feels worse than the consequences, then the decision to lash out is understandable. But this just creates a loop——you figure out the most reliable way to get a reaction, the other person gives you that, and it cycles back again.

This could take the form of venting, too——maybe you have a friend that doesn’t message you back quickly unless you say you’re feeling really bad. But then, you and your friend have created a cycle where your friend only interacts with you when you’re down.

It’s hard to get out of those cycles once you’re in them. If you realize you’re in a cycle, it might be time to communicate your needs more directly to that person, and your desire to change the cycle. Although you can’t control whether they change, you will at least have done what you can to try and reach them.

There are ways you can be seen and heard without lashing out:

1) Acknowledge your own pain and practice self-forgiveness. You are not at fault for being hurt and having needs. You have the strength to manage your pain in healthy ways.

2) Reach out to someone who will answer. If you don’t feel like you can trust a family member or a friend right now, reach out to a hotline or warmline. Counselors will listen without you having to lash out, so that is an option as well.

“When I suppress my anger, I just feel numb.”

It’s common to feel periods of numbness after feeling angry for so long and suppressing it. Mindfulness exercises are activities that help you feel aware and in the present moment, instead of foggy and distracted. They are especially good at taking your brain out of any numbness or anxiety you might experience in daily life.

“Where’s the reward in suppressing my anger?”

Well... unfortunately the rewards rarely fall into your lap. You will have to create your own rewards for yourself most of the time. You’re doing the hardest work and will be giving yourself the greatest rewards——keep at it, don’t be discouraged if you slip up, and eventually you will have that “aha” moment of fulfillment. Maybe it’ll happen sooner than you think, just give it a go.

Communities of people with struggles similar to yours can help you reward yourself and build accountability. Dr. K puts it way better than I can, and his Healthy Gamer community is great (We are not affiliated with Dr. K, by the way).

If you paused for long enough to read this post, I congratulate you. I am sincerely proud of you. If I could reward you with a cookie, I would.