How Do You Find Happiness When Life Feels Dystopian? (Part I)
By Miriam
“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.”
— Nathaniel Hawthorne
“Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will evade you, but if you notice the other things around you, it will gently come and sit on your shoulder.”
— Henry David Thoreau
You’ve probably heard (or read) one of these quotes — or maybe both of them — before. I first read them when I was in either high school or early college (over a decade ago). I remember thinking, Seriously? That sounds sad. And disheartening. Happiness is like a butterfly? That flies away? I felt like I might never be truly happy, and would never be able to obtain joy. Like I would spend my entire life chasing it, only for it to escape me every time I got near to it.
(This photo below is actually a video!)So, where am I now? Have I been able to “catch” happiness? Have I been able to obtain joy, maybe keep it in a jar or some sort of box?
Not quite — but then again, that’s why happiness is, as Hawthorne and Thoreau are credited with saying, “like a butterfly.” That doesn’t mean that I haven’t been able to feel it, though. I have — many, many, many times over these last 10+ years. Just as Hawthorne and Thoreau said, when you don’t chase it — when you don’t try to grasp at or clutch it, when you don’t try to control it — happiness comes to you, as light as a butterfly landing upon your shoulder, unbeknownst to you.
Cheesy, I know. But it’s true.
But if I’m being honest, it can be really, really hard to find happiness in today’s seemingly slowly-inching-towards-dystopia life.
We feel you Moo Deng, we feel you.We turn on the news, or go on social media — Instagram, TikTok, X (Twitter), etc. — and it seems like there are more and more stressful, upsetting, angering, and frightening things happening around the world and in our communities day by day. Heck, even in our own bodies (who knew our gut microbiome was so important to our physical, mental, and emotional health, or that microplastics have been found in almost every part of the human body?).
It’s crazy — absolutely insane — to think about.
And it can leave anyone feeling helpless, overwhelmed, defeated, and just really, really sad.
How do you find happiness then?
Everyone is different, of course, but here are things that I do + ways that I think that have helped me “catch the butterfly” that is happiness these past 10+ years and today.
1. Focus on what you can control.
Life is unpredictable. There are so many things that can and do happen that we absolutely cannot control. And — there are many things that we can control. These things include: our thoughts, our perception of things/people/events/ourselves, what we say, what we do, how we react, and how we internalize things. Now, are these things easy to control? With practice, they can be; effort is needed in order to do so, however it is, in my experience, very much worth it.
Not too long ago, I found myself trapped (well — feeling “trapped”) in my endless thoughts of physical health and how it seemed like everything was working against me (and us, as human beings). I wanted to drink purified water to avoid bacteria, heavy metals, and hazardous chemicals? That would cost a lot of money [to get a really good quality purifier]. I wanted to drink [purified] bottled water instead of tap? Well, researchers have recently found that bottled water contains plastic particles. So I want to grow my own vegetables to avoid eating produce that is sprayed with copious pesticides? That would take time, money, and resources that I just don’t have right now. And I want to gain muscle and burn fat? Can I even do it? I had thought. Maybe not… It’d be impossible for me. For a while, I just felt utterly helpless. (And, watching my loved ones struggle with their own declining physical health made matters feel more bleak to me.)
So, what did I do?
I chose to focus on what I could control in order to improve my physical health.
I chose to get up earlier in order to go on daily walks, to stick to an at-home workout program (mainly bodyweight, as I couldn’t afford much exercise equipment), to save and put aside money in order to buy protein-rich foods [to aid in muscle-building], to devote 20 minutes everyday to yoga, and to eat more complex carbs + less processed carbs (the latter makes me bloated).
Am I at peak physical health now? No. However, I am healthier physically than I used to be, and in focusing on what I can control, I remind myself that I am powerful, that I am capable, and that I do have agency.
Of course, what everyone can control will be different depending on their current life circumstances. It can be as “small” as taking a different route to work or wearing a colorful pair of socks as opposed to your usual all-white or all-black pair, or it can be something “big” like buying the highest-quality water purifier or quitting a soul-sucking job and traveling the world for six months.
To borrow a quote from Angi Fletcher, someone who overcame a lot of physical, mental, and emotional pain in her life: “Do what you can in the season you’re in.”
2. Seek wonder in all things — especially the “little” things.
You know how young kids always seem to see things through eyes of wonder? Whether it be their shadow on a wall, the springy door stopper, puddles of water, or a shiny rock? That’s how I try to live my life.
Now, it might not be those exact things that bring me a sense of awe, but I believe that cultivating a sense of wonder, awe, and gratitude for things — especially things many people might consider “small” things — is a key “ingredient” in connecting to the light and joy within us (and in life).
Some things that help me connect to that place within me: the sound of leaves rustling in the wind, the way sunlight shines through leaves, the feeling of freshly-laundered sheets, a baby’s smile and laugh, the access I have to both cold and warm water in my house, getting a message from a dear friend, the warm glow of “golden hour,” the feeling of being indoors, cozy with hot tea and in warm pjs on a cold, rainy autumn morning, the smell of pine trees, the stargazing app I have on my phone, and more.
Yes, life is full of sad and terrible things. But it is full of wonderful and beautiful things too.
3. “Look for the helpers.”
Image from Huff Post.
Nowadays especially, with how connected most of us are in terms of the internet, social media, and just having 24/7 access to what is going on in other parts of the world, it can be so easy to feel powerless in the face of all that is going on around us. From natural disasters in one country, armed conflicts and humanitarian crises happening in other countries, and assaults being reported on seemingly on a weekly (if not daily) basis, the world can seem like a cold and dark place at times. It can feel like human beings are innately bad, cruel, or heartless.
However, it’s important to remember that, amidst the cruelty, there exists things like hope, courage, acts of heroism, compassion, generosity, thoughtfulness, and love. In every country, there are people who uphold these things, people who do good and who strive everyday to bring joy and comfort to those around them. When life feels heavy, remember these people.
This doesn’t mean to completely shut out or deny the many terrible things happening in the world. Not at all. What this means is to keep a balanced view of things. If we are to keep informed of the bad/negative things happening locally and globally, it would be beneficial for us to keep informed of all the good things happening too. (Good News Movement is a wonderful place to gets news like this, as is Positive News.)
4. Be mindful of what you consume.
As I mentioned above, it would be beneficial for us — physically, mentally, and emotionally — to take in information in a balanced way. It is healthiest, in my experience, to not be too skewed towards, or completely in, one “side” of something, whether that be negative news or positive news.
‘Mindful consumption’ involves more than just this though. It involves the books we read/audiobooks we listen to, the movies and TV shows we watch, the podcasts we listen to, the music we listen to, the food and drink we eat/drink, the things we talk about and listen to — both with others and with ourselves [i.e. self-talk] — etc.
There are times when we do not have control over any number of these things (ex: we live in an environment where there is a lot of yelling or arguing), but it is important, and helpful, to control what we can control.
5. Take care of yourself.
When life gets stressful, and our nervous systems are in chronic fight-or-flight, it is so easy — and oftentimes feels necessary, like we have no other choice — to forget to take care of our bodies, minds, spirits, and hearts. It may even feel like we don’t deserve to do so.
But we do. And it is crucial that we do so. Especially in this time where life — and the world — feels increasingly bleak. Even if it’s taking just five minutes at night to wash our face after a long day, stepping outside during our lunch breaks to breathe in some fresh air, or asking someone to help us with a task. Or, allowing ourselves to receive support.
This is all easier said than done, of course. I’ve experienced — and still at times experience — this. But the more I’ve implemented these things in my daily life, the more I’ve noticed how much more I am able to feel and hold happiness and joy within me.
(Click to watch this beautiful and relaxing illustration/animation.)In The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring — one of my favorite movies (the LOTR trilogy is my favorite film trilogy) — Frodo Baggins volunteers to go on a perilous journey to Mordor in order to destroy a ring — the One Ring, which contains a part of the Dark Lord Sauron. On this journey, he is accompanied by eight companions, including Gandalf, a wise wizard. During their quest, all members of the fellowship grow tired and weary, most especially Frodo. In the below scene, Frodo remembers something Gandalf once said to him, after he told him he “[wished] the Ring had never come to [him].” This scene is one of my favorites in the entire film. When I am feeling hopeless, defeated, and like I don’t know if I can go on, remembering what Gandalf says fills me with hope, determination, and courage.
So, how can you find happiness when life feels dystopian?
You open yourself up, your heart and your mind, to the good that is around you, whether that be something “small” or something “big,” something physically around you or something within you (or in others), something tangible, like a flower, or something intangible, like the sense of joy you might feel when you see a friendly dog.
You focus on the things that you can control, and you keep in mind all the good that exists in this world, and all the good that is yet to be.