To Keep On Going
By Miriam
The above scene is one of my favorite scenes in the Lord of the Rings (LOTR) trilogy. Specifically, it is these lines that Gandalf say to Frodo:
“So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”
LOTR has gotten me through a lot in my life, since I first watched it many years ago. It still does. (Just listening to "The Breaking of the Fellowship" emboldens me in a way no other song really does.) Lately, I’ve been working on the pressure I put on myself to be perfect. I’ve struggled with this pretty much since I was a kid — having an older brother and an older sister, plus friends, peers, cousins, and family friends’ kids who all do really well in school and who you’re directly and indirectly compared to will do this to you — and now as an adult I still do. I think it’s tied to my unconscious belief (that I’ve had since I was a kid) that I need to earn love. So, I need to do things perfectly in order to be loved. To be enough. It’s this belief that I’ve been working through lately.
It hasn’t been easy. What’s been helping, beyond being gentle and compassionate with myself (something I also struggle with), is telling myself this: You don’t have to get it perfect. But you do need to try.
You don’t have to get it perfect. But you do need to try.
Just those words — especially the part about trying — has taken so much pressure off me. They might help you too, if you find yourself in this place of feeling the need to be perfect, to do things perfectly, or to never be able to make mistakes or get things “wrong.” Whether you get something done “perfectly” or not, that’s not a reflection on you as a human being. It’s okay to fail, to make the wrong decision, to not get something done perfectly on the first try. (Or the second, fifth, or thirtieth try.) It’s okay. You’re still you — a human being who is doing your best with what you know and what you have, here, now.
So whether you’re trying to achieve a new high score in a game, trying to lose weight, trying to gain weight, trying to muster up the courage to ask someone out, or wanting to start creating YouTube videos — you got this. It doesn’t need to be perfect right out the gate. Just try.
We share a lot here on Not Falling about our thoughts on life, and we’ve shared about ourselves too, to an extent, but I thought it’d be a nice change of pace to ask each other direct questions. So, here are some questions I asked James, and also my own answers to the same questions:
What brought you to do this?
“I worked as a volunteer first responder for 8 years. During that time, I met a lot of people going through extremely rough times. I often related to them acutely. Every time, I wished there could have been somebody who could have helped them out earlier — before they got to that place of extreme desperation. It was always clear to me that responding in an ambulance or fire truck wasn’t enough — I wanted to do something more proactive. Helping run a not-falling blog is my way of helping out others and keeping the darkness away.”
When in your life have you felt hopeless?
“Probably most of the way through junior-senior high, and then again after I graduated from college in the middle of the 2008 housing crisis. During that transition from school to adult life, there were times when I had no job, no stable place to live, and very few friends around. While I was struggling to keep it together, other misfortunes would pile on top — my car breaking down, getting yelled at by strangers, a parking ticket, etc. The light of hope was very faint then.”
What do you do when you feel hopeless, helpless, or powerless?
“Two things really help — I like to read the book of Psalms — it’s the journal entry of an ancient historic figure, writing out his prayers, and they are surprisingly relatable. It’s also comforting to know that an iconic religious figure like King David went through the same struggles. I also like to imagine I’m living in a video game and my character is experiencing misfortunes as dictated by the game engine. It’s my job to “play through” these difficult times — after all, it wouldn’t be an interesting video game if nothing bad happened, right?”
What are you doing now, amidst the state of the world, to feel hopeful?
“I’m spending as much time as I can with friends and family, and outside in nature, quarantining myself a little against the incessant bad-news machine of the internet. If you go long enough without the internet, things start to seem more hopeful! The internet is a great tool, but it can’t be relied on as a source of hope/happiness. That can only come from the unplugged world.”
My responses:
What brought you to do this?
Growing up, I felt strange, odd, worthless and not “enough”, like I didn’t belong and like I was “broken,” and very much alone, even among friends and family. I struggled through and with anxiety and depression, with feeling like a victim and like I was at the mercy of others and the world, and like I was incapable as a human being. It took me a long time, but I’ve uncovered the roots of why I had felt (and still, to a degree, [unconsciously] feel) these things, and am working through them and the behavioral and mental patterns that resulted from them. I want to help others who may be struggling as I did get through their own “shadows” and live a life that is fulfilling and meaningful to them.
When in your life have you felt hopeless?
I felt hopeless throughout my teenage years. It started when I was 11 years old, but my feelings of hopelessness were heaviest and most constant during my teenage years. I felt this way a few times throughout my adult years, too.
What do you do when you feel hopeless, helpless, or powerless?
I focus on what I can control. (Much, much easier said than done.) Making lists is helpful for me too — lists of things that are in my control that I can work on — and reminding myself, no matter how many times I need to, that the hardship I’m in is just a season of my life, and that this season will pass. Whether it be a relationship ending, living paycheck to paycheck, struggling to find a job as my bills keep adding up (and what little money I have is going down), struggling through physical health issues, or anything else, I remind myself that the season that I’m in won’t last forever, and that it will pass. But because this is the season I’m in right now, I must accept it; I will not be reduced by it, but I must accept that this is where I’m at, and I must focus on what it is I have the power to do to get through it to the other side.
What are you doing now, amidst the state of the world, to feel hopeful?
I’m reading about joyful, positive and hopeful things that are happening, and have happened, and will always happen throughout Time. Because as much grief and horror and pain happen/exist in the world, so too does joy, empathy, and love. I do what I can to be kind and compassionate to/with myself and others. And I look for ways that humans are connecting with other humans (like this YouTube channel: Discover Connection) and with the world around them.