Keeping Up With The People
By Miriam
I think it’s safe to say that if you (‘you’ as in people in general) have Wifi and a desktop/laptop, have been watching TV anytime between 2007 and now, and/or have access to social media — or know and speak to anyone who fits into the above categories — you know who the Kardashians are, as well as their old show Keeping Up with the Kardashians (see title of this post). Regardless of how you feel about them, since their first show’s inception in 2007, it cannot be denied that they have been highly influential and have been almost everywhere: in magazines, in books, on podcasts, on various TV shows and ads, on the internet, in stores, on clothes, and more. And, it seems, many people since then have, to varying degrees, felt pressured to “keep up” with the Kardashians (and Kendall + Kylie Jenner).
Now, although I don’t keep up with them (I watched a few episodes of the first season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians when it first aired, and I’ve seen various IG posts of their family since), I’ve felt the pressure to keep up with what is possibly their most well-known influence: what they’ve popularized as the “ideal” face and body — most notably a contoured face (think chiseled cheeks and heavy bronzer) and a big butt. Over the years, it’s been hard not to succumb to this. Almost everywhere I went, both online and offline, it seemed like the "Kardashian effect" had seeped through things (at least here in the US) and was both consciously and unconsciously affecting lots of people. However, being older (and more self-assured) now, I don’t feel this pressure as much as I used to.
The new pressure I’ve been feeling now, though? The pressure to keep up with adults who seem to have it all together, and just with what society deems adults “should” be doing and who an adult “should” be.
As someone in her early 30s, I have felt the pressure from societal norms, cultural norms, my family, my friends, and my peers to have “checked off” certain boxes on the intangible List of Life (which includes indications of what age you should have things completed by). Boxes like having a traditional salaried job, having a hefty savings account + ever-growing retirement account, being “settled down” and not having such a strong desire to explore and travel the world, being married, owning a house, having children, and maybe hosting weekend brunches at my home out in my well-manicured-but-not-too-manicured-that-it-looks-fake garden (okay, that last part is just my own thought). Basically, I feel pressured to have my life figured out, or to have already had my life figured out by now. To have who I am figured out by now.
And to be keeping up with all the other successful-adults-who’ve-figured-themselves-and-their-lives-out-by-now.
Anything less than that seems to mean I’m a failure.
And yet, having spoken to friends and just reading other people’s thoughts on Substack and on IG, I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. If you’ve felt or are currently feeling this way too — you are not alone. We are, perhaps both unfortunately and fortunately, in this together.
This pressure to “be” a certain person, or to be keeping up with one’s peers isn’t exclusive to adults, however; teenagers often feel pressured too — maybe even more so in this day and age of social media.
So how can we strengthen ourselves against such pressure?
First, I think it’s important to realize that, as cliché as this may sound, (almost) everyone shares what’s on their life’s highlight reel, not what’s in between those flashy, “perfect” moments. If you go on Instagram, for instance, you’ll likely see many photos and reels of people with enviable bodies, delicious-looking meals (with plenty of avocado — which a lot of people can’t afford), beautifully-styled homes, heavenly gardens, cups of pretty lattes, and seemingly all the extra time in the world to enjoy these things.
Even offline, say, at a get-together with friends or with colleagues, people don’t often share the things they’re deeply stressed by or that they’re feeling particularly vulnerable about. Sure, some people may make passing comments about “the state of the economy” or “all this overtime the boss is making us work,” but most people won’t really, really delve into the nitty-gritty, “uglier,” less pleasant aspects of their lives. They don’t share about the breakdowns that they’ve been having, the tears they’ve cried, the fear and anxiety that are mentally crippling them, the mounting financial debt they have, how vulnerable they have been feeling, etc. (Unless they are a close friend and they trust you and feel comfortable sharing such information, but even then, there are times that even our close friends don’t share such things with us.) I’ve certainly been guilty of this: sharing aspects of my day — like pictures of the beautiful sky or gently rustling leaves as I’m out on a walk, or my cup of hot comforting coffee in the morning — that make it seem like I’m only enjoying things, or that my daily life is quite serene, when in fact my daily life is sprinkled with many different emotions/feelings, like fear, anger, joy, anxiety, love, determination, and hope. I’m human, as we all are, and we all experience a myriad of circumstances and emotions that go with them — even if it may seem like some people have things “so easy.” (Spoiler: they don’t.)
Second, it’s good to keep in mind that social norms are just that — norms. They are ways of being (or thinking) that have developed over time by a society, and because they “made sense” and/or “worked” for so long, they eventually became the accepted way of being. The perceived “normal” way of being and living. But whether or not we adhere to those norms does not give or take away our value or inherent worth as human beings. It certainly doesn’t mean we’ve succeeded or failed. We are all different, and we all have different preferences, interests/passions, and physical and mental and emotional states of being that make up who we are. Yes, it can feel incredibly difficult to 1) be different from those around you and feel like you don’t “belong,” 2) want different things from what your family, friends, and/or community want or expect from you, and 3) go after what it is you want (to ‘choose you’) due to a physical reason, like finances or lack of a home, and/or a mental/emotional reason, like feeling guilt for choosing your needs and wants, or cutting ties with a loved one — all of which are valid and understandable reasons for not wanting to choose you. And yet, your life is your own. At the end of the day, you are with you, all the time, forever more. You wake up with yourself, you fall asleep with yourself. You’ll see your face staring back at you in the mirror in the morning, and you’ll see it again at night before you go to bed. You cannot — and will not — escape yourself. No one else is in your mind, in your thoughts, in your heart. Not your parents, not your siblings, not your friends, not your colleagues, not your significant other — just you.
And you are important.
This isn’t to say that, at times, compromise isn’t important in relationships. It absolutely is. But when it comes to something “big” like choosing your career(s) or who you want to be in a romantic relationship with, taking into great consideration how you feel is vital. No matter what the norm may be.
Will there be consequences after choosing what it is you choose? Yes. But remember — whether or not you decide to abide by the norms of the society/culture you live in does not dictate your inherent value as a human being.
Third, know this: we each have inherent worth, simply because we Are. You already, because you exist, are irreplaceable and important. You are not your grades, or what clothes or brand names you wear (or don’t wear), you aren’t what neighborhood you live in, or how much money you (or your family) make, or what job you have. You are not less worthy because you don’t have a certain number of followers on IG or TikTok, because you’ve never gone viral, or because your crush doesn’t ‘like’ your videos/reels, posts, or stories. You are not less ‘enough’ or ‘broken’ because you aren’t in a romantic relationship, or because you are and haven’t been proposed to (when you’ve already spoken to your significant other about how you want to get married), or because you don’t have kids. You are you, and this is enough. Sure, you can have goals that you want to achieve — say, running a marathon in under five hours, or acing that final — but whether or not you achieve them does not determine your worth as a human being. You do not need to “keep up” with anyone. You do not need to be “perfect” — because there is no such thing. We are all human, all here on this planet orbiting our nearest star as it moves through space, doing this Life thing as best we can with what we know and with what we have, both within and without us.
I’ll say this part once more: you are you, and this is enough.
I had mentioned this earlier, but now that I’m older and more self-assured (and wiser), I no longer feel the pressure of the “Kardashian effect” as much as I used to. The pressure of “having it all figured out” though, does come up for me now. I know how to, in a sense, welcome it and have tea with it though, to not let it consume me every time it does come to visit me. (The above points are what I do/keep in mind in “having tea” with it.) This pressure — which really is fear (fear of not “measuring up” to others’ expectations of us, of not “measuring up” to our own expectations of us [due to what we’ve been taught], of failing, of not being ‘enough,’ of other people’s judgements of us, etc. — is an often stubborn and difficult visitor to have, but I think that when we understand where it’s coming from, we will let go of it more readily and easily.
As humans, I think we all want to be loved, and to belong. One can call it an evolutionary behavior, wanting to be a part of a group because it offers us protection and a higher chance at survival, or simply a feeling that we carry deep within us. But regardless of how you choose to look at it, we are social beings, and we therefore crave connection (physical, mental, emotional, and/or spiritual [I don’t mean this in a religious way, though it can be for many people]). It’s natural, then, to feel like we want to follow what our “group” has ruled to be the right or most desirable way to be, to look like, or to live. Not adhering to these rules could risk our (sense of) belonging, after all. But knowing all of this, it is still vital to remember that we, as individuals, are important, and how we personally feel matters too.
Again, whether or not you follow what the “group” deems to be best is not a reflection of your inherent worth as a human being.
You are worthy, you are important, and who you are matters.
Take good care of yourselves.
Miriam