Where is my savior? (Haibane Renmei)

By Homura

May is mental health awareness month. There are lots of fictional works where the characters face mental battles (maybe you’ll see PunPun next...), but I chose Haibane Renmei. It captures what it feels like to be smiling, moving through life and helping others while you yourself are in utter despair.

Haibane Renmei (2002) is about the haibane (“charcoal wings”), who are humans mysteriously reborn in cocoons. Shortly after hatching, they very painfully sprout their wings, and then given a halo which floats above their head.

They coexist with humans in a town surrounded by walls. The haibane are forbidden from going beyond these walls, yet they do not know what is beyond them. Haibane must communicate with special priests, find a job or calling, take care of house duties, and overall be a “good haibane”. Once a haibane resolves their piece of “unfinished business” in this new world, they reach their day of flight. On this day, the haibane finds peace and ascends into the sky as a flickering beam of light.

Reki has not reached her day of flight. She is resigned to die.

Rakka is the youngest haibane, although when she is “born” from her cocoon, she looks about 14 years old. Reki takes care of Rakka as she adjusts to life as a haibane. She salves the wounds from where Rakka’s wings split her skin, encourages Rakka when she feels down or lost, and advocates for Rakka when she breaks sacred haibane laws.

Needless to say, Rakka looks up to Reki and deeply loves her.

Reki was born from her cocoon several years before Rakka. One difference with Reki was that she was born “sin-bound”: From the beginning, her feathers were turning black.

When a haibane is sin-bound, they have a much harder time reaching their day of flight. They might not reach it at all. At the point where their wings turn completely black, their halo fades and they become neither human nor haibane. They’re driven insane and live out the rest of their days in the deep woods.

Focus and remember the earliest event you can in your life. At that time, did you feel accepted by the people around you? Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t, maybe you’re like Reki. You might not remember when you messed up, or what caused you to feel like something was fundamentally broken in you, but you feel that way now.

When Rakka was born, Reki was there to catch her when she broke out of her cocoon. She is convinced that if she protects, comforts, and guides Rakka, she will have fulfilled her unfinished business as a haibane and be able to reach her day of flight. She will have done enough good to waive her fundamental sin.

Have you ever thought that by giving someone else the comfort and protection that you want, it will finally come back to you? Maybe you’re hoping it will be through that same person, or maybe it’ll be instilled in you through the will of a higher power. You might still be waiting.

When a young haibane named Kuu reaches her day of flight, Rakka feels crushed. She was just beginning to build an attachment, and then out of the blue, Kuu was taken away. In the wake of her grief and hopelessness, Rakka’s wings begin turning black.

At this point, Reki reveals to Rakka that her wings had black spots too. She has a medicine to keep it from spreading, but she doesn’t have a permanent solution. Reki feels sorry for Rakka that she has to go through the same thing. However, Rakka grows in a way that causes her black spots to disappear. They’re both happy, but privately, Reki is devastated. In Reki’s mind, Rakka is going to have her day of flight soon, and be yet another person who abandons her. Reki wants to feel happy for her, but because she feels threatened by abandonment, she feels depressed. She also feels jealous and resentful..

...and feeling jealous and resentful makes Reki resent herself even more.

She poured so much of herself into Rakka, hoping to be saved, but she will be left alone yet again.

It is at this point, as I alluded to earlier, that Reki is resigned to die. Reki acts like normal around the other haibane, but Rakka slowly realizes something is wrong. Reki is emotionally distant, secretive, and strangely cheerful, like her problems have gone away. She apologizes to a character she held a grudge to and finishes a painting——tying up loose ends.

If you notice yourself doing any of this, then it’s worth checking in with yourself. What am I doing and how is it affecting me? Does anyone notice? Has anyone mentioned it to me and I just said I was fine?

You might say to me, “Yes captain obvious, I am depressed and alone, I know exactly how I feel.” Just noticing how you feel is big. You don’t even have to know what exactly is causing it: Reki doesn’t. What is important at this stage is to find ways of keeping yourself safe. Your mind is probably either buzzing or blank: Try some things that ground you in the present and get your body engaged. If you have a person or pet you care about, reach out to them. If you don’t have anyone and want someone to talk to, try D2L or one of the helplines we like.

Rakka notices things coming to a head and rushes to check on Reki, who has secluded herself in her painting room. Rakka tells Reki that she wants to save her. It is at this point that Reki tells Rakka that she is not worthy of being saved. It would be a mistake to save her. Reki says that this whole time she had been using Rakka as a means of saving herself, rather than caring as a genuine friend. She had failed to save herself and failed to genuinely care. All Reki could seem to do was hurt and corrupt those around her. It was time to end her suffering and prevent the suffering of anyone who had the misfortune of getting close to her.

Rakka initially backs away, believing Reki is right. However, realizing the nature of Reki’s suffering, she persists and persists, following Reki onto the railroad tracks she manifested from her cocoon dream. Rakka says that Reki saved her in her time of need, and that Reki did not do it out of selfishness, but genuine care and desperation. Rakka wants to do the same for Reki, if she would only let her. The train is closely approaching Reki.

At the last moment, Reki asks Rakka for help. She has been shouldering her feelings alone for so long out of fear of depending on others and then being abandoned. When Reki finally trusts Rakka to be there for her, even though Rakka knows her deepest sins and cynicisms, Rakka saves her. She would protect and comfort Reki no matter what.

As a result, Rakka and Reki share a moment of true trust and vulnerability. It is pure relief. They embrace as the train fades and Reki’s wings shed their dark spots. In an epilogue of sorts, Reki reaches her day of flight and Rakka sees her off.

If you’re Reki, where is your Rakka? If you’re Rakka, where is your Reki? When I watched this anime, I found myself crushed by that question, even after such a hopeful ending. But the fact that this anime exists means there must be someone who understands and cares enough to write and animate it. And since so many fans of it exist, there must be many, many people who understand how the characters feel. Perhaps they would understand you, too, and protect and comfort you when you need it most. In preparation for that person——for you to prepare to receive their comfort, as well as give it——please keep going; keep holding on, one day at a time. Find pleasure in whatever you can, ground yourself when you notice yourself slipping, and you can always reach out when nothing else seems to be helping and you just need someone to talk to.