How do I get out of this cycle of hurt? (MALICE@DOLL)
By Homura
Have you ever wanted to express a feeling to someone or open their eyes, and it ends up backfiring? I definitely have. So has Malice.
Before we begin, how are you feeling today? Let us know with this quick anonymous poll:
Malice is the protagonist of MALICE@DOLL (2001), an anime OVA from the same writer that brought us Lain. Malice is an android made only for human gratification, as are most of her friends. However, Malice’s life changes when she realizes she can dream. As she follows this dream, her humanity begins to break through to her.
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Having felt genuine emotion for the first time, she wants to share that gift with the other beings in her life by giving them a kiss.
Malice’s kiss begins to transform her friends. However, rather than feeling free, her friends feel horrified at what they’re becoming.
They feel the full spectrum of human emotion, including the emotions that cause people to feel pain, hate one another, and take advantage of one another. One of Malice’s friends says that it was easier before, to be a doll and just pretend to feel pain.
It’s impossible to shut off only negative emotions. When you numb yourself to feeling negative emotions, you’re numbing the positive ones too: It’s all in the same part of the brain. When your pain feels like too much, shutting off your emotions can be a way of protecting yourself... but, it’s not sustainable to stay numb. It’s worth getting professional help or asking to talk with any person you trust to be able to receive your feelings without judgment. Safely letting out even 10% of those negative feelings and being heard can be a big relief.
At this point, Malice feels like she can do nothing but hurt others. Her situation feels out of control and she doesn’t know of a way to get the world back to how it was before. She is convinced all her friends hate her——or if they don’t hate her, they’re just mourning the loss of the life they had before Malice kissed them.
In your life, has there been a time where you made a change, expressed a dream or desire, or voiced feelings that you kept bottled up? And then, did someone you’re close with, or who has power over you, reject you for it? It can be hard when you’re sitting with feelings that feel inexpressible without consequences. It’s even harder when you have been rejected or punished for those feelings before!
I remember a time when I was 12 and I shared something with my parents that they rejected me for, and I thought “Welp... I’m never sharing anything vulnerable or risky with them again.” But, if you’re struggling with a feeling, sometimes it’s worth trying again, or going to someone you might trust more. If you’re really struggling with a feeling and you feel like there’s no way out, I encourage you to reach out to Death2Life or any helpline you feel like you could trust.
Malice feels like she messed everything up. Despite her efforts, she isn’t able to undo what she did. She thinks everyone would be better off without her, so she wants to find some way to disappear. She hopes that this act will restore everything to normal and stop the hurt, hers and theirs.
I won’t spoil the ending, but think of how desperate and hopeless Malice might feel in her position. I can also imagine being Malice’s friend and being scared of her, or not knowing what I could do for her anymore, or even being angry at her.
At the same time, I imagine realizing that Malice did not do what she did out of malice. I imagine thinking that Malice has feelings she does not know what to do with. I imagine, even through my fear and anger, that Malice deserves someone to be with her, listen to her, and protect her.
Even if it feels like a hopeless cycle, it’s worth it to delay just a day more, to give yourself and others another chance. The fact that there are stories out there like MALICE@DOLL shows that there are others who understand what it’s like to feel trapped in a cycle of hurt. Again, I encourage you to contact Death2Life or a helpline you trust if you need help managing these feelings.
