Belonging

By Miriam

Art by Miles Johnston.

I don’t fit in.

I’m different from other people.

No one understands me.

Why am I the way that I am?

I don’t belong.

Growing up, thoughts like these ran through the back of my mind (and oftentimes in the forefront of my mind) almost every day. And if I wasn’t consciously thinking them, I was feeling them, in my body. I felt small, insignificant, overlooked, misunderstood, worthless; I felt shame, grief, anger, pain, embarrassment, anxiety. I just felt … so empty. And so alone.

Now, I had family and friends who cared about me (in their own way), but they — save for two friends — couldn’t meet me at the depth at which I needed them to (at no fault of their own; we were, and are, just different — something I didn’t understand until a few years ago, and something that I had faulted myself for). I had countless thoughts, ideas, and questions about life, death, meaning, and existence that they never really seemed to understand or to have; in turn, they had thoughts, ideas, and questions about things that never fully interested me. In my quest to belong though, I contorted myself, put on a “mask,” and tried to fit in with what they seemed to fit in with. I was really good at it; I don’t think anyone ever suspected a thing.

But that contorting of oneself, that trying to force oneself to fit into places one doesn’t really fit into, that hiding and pushing away parts of oneself others might deem “undesirable” or “strange/weird,” that denying of oneself over and over and over again — it’s exhausting. It gets to be so draining, so taxing mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually (I’m using this word in a non-religious way).

So, what do you do?

We, as humans, have an inherent need to belong. To be a part of a group, whether that be our family, our friend group, our favorite sports team (fan) group, our favorite celebrity’s “fan club” — or our most detested celebrity’s “hate” club (the comments I have read from Selena Gomez lovers/stans and haters and Hailey Bieber lovers/stans and haters on IG — they are intense), our political party’s group … whatever it may be. And it makes sense. Forming positive social bonds — being accepted by those around us — increases our chances of survival, of receiving protection. But what happens when, no matter where we turn to in our physical environment, it doesn’t feel like we would truly be accepted for who we are? What happens when who we intrinsically are might repel those we depend on or look to for care, or might simply confuse them?

This has been something I’ve grappled with for a long time (over two decades), and I’ve just now been starting to come to terms with what feels best for me.

The answer isn’t to eliminate the need to belong, but to belong to oneself. And, from there, meet others where they are, and if it turns out that neither you nor the other person can find any sort of connection point, then you’ve both tried, and you can both accept things as they are, and let things go in peace.

(I know that this — trying to find a connection point + letting things go in peace — can be really difficult with people like our family members, but it may be possible. It’s something I’ve gone through with my parents and my siblings these past couple of years, and something I continue to do. You may or may not have to explicitly tell them you’re trying to find a connection point with them; for me, what has worked is simply accepting that my _____ [insert ‘mom,’ ‘dad,’ sister,’ etc.] and I are different, and going from there when talking to them. Apply this to your situation as it fits.)

How do you even begin to belong to yourself, though?

First, it’s important to recognize that you are a unique being — we all are — and we all have our own likes, dislikes, and just ways of being, thinking, and feeling. No one is, was, or will ever be you.

Second — and this may be the most important thing — it is crucial that you know that you are worthy. You matter. You are valuable, and you are important. Your thoughts, your ideas, your opinions, your beliefs and ways of being, thinking and feeling matter. Your life matters.

That point above may be hard to believe, or to fully recognize and feel. I get it. It took me over two decades to even begin to believe it. We all have different experiences throughout our lives, we all had different upbringings with different family dynamics and different pain points, not to mention different ways we internalize all of the experiences that we’ve had — but through it all, know that whatever hurt, pain, or abuse you were put through, you didn’t deserve it. The people who raised you — your parent(s), sibling(s), grandparent(s), relative(s), caregiver(s), whoever they were — projected onto you, both consciously and unconsciously, their own beliefs (whether “positive” or “negative”), which they created through their own life experiences and internalizations of those experiences — which, going “down” (or “up”) the line, were shaped in part by the people who raised them and the environment(s) they were in.

Honestly, we’re all kinda throwing darts into existence. In a sense.

(Yes, sometimes those “darts” really, really hurt people — a lot — and there is no excuse to hurt people.)

I bring that up — the part about our parents/caregivers — not to cast blame, but to bring to light the fact that we are all inherently worthy, yet oftentimes life experiences make us doubt (or never even know) that, and we end up believing there is something inherently wrong with us, or that we are just “broken.”

You are not, in fact, broken. You are you, and that is enough.

Art by Miles Johnston.

Lastly, and with all of the above in mind, you develop a compassionate relationship with yourself. If you don’t already, learn to trust yourself and to have faith in yourself — in your words, your choices, and your actions. Become your own best friend, your greatest cheerleader, the person who always encourages you and has your back.

This won’t happen overnight — so be patient, and be consistent. It might sound impossible to do, to have a good relationship with yourself if you don’t already, but it is possible.

Belonging to yourself, then, is about embracing who you are. It is about loving yourself, even if others may not. It is about being okay with liking what you like, even though others may not share those same feelings. It is about taking into account what others believe and have to say, yet not being overly swayed by what others tell you — whether it’s praise that they give you, or criticism. It is about being rooted in who you are.

(It is important to note: you can both belong to yourself and be in community with others. One does not negate the other.)

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I know how tender and painful the subject of ‘belonging’ can be. I really do. At some point, you might even stop caring about ‘belonging’ at all. Why care, right?

I say, it is worth it to care because (I know I’ve said things similar to this multiple times already, but it’s true) you are worth it.

Take good care of yourself.

(If this takes time for you to do, or to get used to, or if this is entirely new and alien to you — it’s okay. Go slow. Maybe start with making yourself your favorite comfort food, or a cup of hot chocolate, or watching your favorite childhood movie. It doesn’t have to be big, or fancy. Just something that would genuinely feel good to and be good for you.)

You got this. The taking-care-of-yourself thing, and Life.

I believe in you.

.

Miriam